I’m not sure why it is that some
straight dudes think it’s okay to ask women they don’t know prying, prurient questions
just because we share a love of all things lady-shaped, but it happens alarmingly often. C’mon, gay
ladies and gentledykes—we’ve all been there. A new acquaintance corners you,
and before you can click your heels and say “There’s no place like home,”
you’re so embarrassed for the guy that you wish you could disappear all Wicked
Witch of the West-like into a puddle on the floor. Or maybe unleash upon him
the unmitigated wrath of your army o’ hoppity, flying monkeys.
I’ve got mad
love for all my lesbros out there, but some guys need to be taught a lesson. Literally.
We’re talking Lesbians 101. So for the next time you find yourself in just such
a situation, I humbly offer the following handy-dandy answers to keep at the
ready:
10. How
do chicks do it? I mean, how can a woman possibly sexually satisfy another woman?
If you even had to stop and think about this then I have some really bad news for you: she’s faking it.
If you even had to stop and think about this then I have some really bad news for you: she’s faking it.
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| Can you move a little to the left? Chopped just came on! |
9. Do
lesbians like to sleep with men?
Yes, just not in a Michael Jackson
kind of way. I mean… Um…
8. Can I watch?
For your own personal safety, I must regretfully decline your request. Gay cooties, you know. They’re catching enough in casual conversation, but if you were to actually witness lesbians in the act of loverliness… we’re talking some serious Liberace shiz in store for you, dude. Tatted lace doilies and raised pinkies while drinking from tea cups! With real tea in them.
For your own personal safety, I must regretfully decline your request. Gay cooties, you know. They’re catching enough in casual conversation, but if you were to actually witness lesbians in the act of loverliness… we’re talking some serious Liberace shiz in store for you, dude. Tatted lace doilies and raised pinkies while drinking from tea cups! With real tea in them.
7.
What happened to make you the way you
are?
I was 11. So was she. She walked past me on the playground and I caught a whiff of warm skin and shampoo. BOOM! Lesbian. Kind of like a drive-by gaying, or instant gay coffee. Just add butterflies.
I was 11. So was she. She walked past me on the playground and I caught a whiff of warm skin and shampoo. BOOM! Lesbian. Kind of like a drive-by gaying, or instant gay coffee. Just add butterflies.
6.
Yeah, but how did you know that you were
gay?
The hardest part was the question and answer portion of the program. I mean, I knew I had the talent competition licked, but when the judges asked me who I’d rather make out with, Katee Sackhoff or Michelle Rodriguez… I froze. But all ended well. I sailed through the audition and into the ranks of lesbiankind. Lickety split.
The hardest part was the question and answer portion of the program. I mean, I knew I had the talent competition licked, but when the judges asked me who I’d rather make out with, Katee Sackhoff or Michelle Rodriguez… I froze. But all ended well. I sailed through the audition and into the ranks of lesbiankind. Lickety split.
5.
In a lesbian relationship, which one of
you is the man?
The equation goes something like this:
The equation goes something like this:
(Length of left middle finger – length of left index finger) + number of sports teams you played on in high school) divided by (number of Indigo Girls CDs + cats owned)
And voila! You have your man number. The one with the biggest man number is contractually obligated to pay for dinner and hold the door open, and the other one has to pretend to have a headache at least once a week during the sexual overtures of the Manbian.
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| Oh honey, can't we just watch Rizzoli and Isles tonight? |
4.
If you like sex toys shaped like penises,
why not just sleep with a man?
Right. Because if Newt Gingrich strapped on a silicone vagina, you’d be ALL OVER that shit! No?! Ryan Reynolds? The Dos Equis guy? How about the guy from those Calvin Klein underwear ads? Really? Still a no go? Huh. Mayhap there really is more to sexual orientation than meets the genitals.
Right. Because if Newt Gingrich strapped on a silicone vagina, you’d be ALL OVER that shit! No?! Ryan Reynolds? The Dos Equis guy? How about the guy from those Calvin Klein underwear ads? Really? Still a no go? Huh. Mayhap there really is more to sexual orientation than meets the genitals.
3. But if you’ve never had sex with a man, how
do you know for SURE that you’re a lesbian?
Clearly you speak from experience and are an expert in the art of man love. Tell me, how many other men did you have to sleep with before you were completely sure that you were straight?
Clearly you speak from experience and are an expert in the art of man love. Tell me, how many other men did you have to sleep with before you were completely sure that you were straight?
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| Manly man love: not for sissies |
2. Will you do a threesome with me and my wife/girlfriend?
Does your name rhyme with Mad Wit?
Does your name rhyme with Mad Wit?
1. If you could take a pill that would magically
make you straight, would you?
No, but if they make a gay pill that finishes up where my gay root dropped me on my ass and left me only half-finished, can you let me know? I would really like to talk to someone about my free gift of rhythm, interior design savvy, and keen fashion sense. I think there was a little mix up with my fairy gaymother on that one, ‘cause I’m still waiting on—wait, are you still there? Hello?
*Originally posted at OurChart.com in 2007.
No, but if they make a gay pill that finishes up where my gay root dropped me on my ass and left me only half-finished, can you let me know? I would really like to talk to someone about my free gift of rhythm, interior design savvy, and keen fashion sense. I think there was a little mix up with my fairy gaymother on that one, ‘cause I’m still waiting on—wait, are you still there? Hello?
*Originally posted at OurChart.com in 2007.
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